Since Sixteen

by Fenn Macon

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about

Since Sixteen is a collection of songs that I’ve written and rewritten over the past five years of my life. It is a record about the search for security, home, friends, a stable relationship, and a better mental state. These songs have been the closest thing I’ve ever kept to a journal, the lyrics come from mantras that continually ran through my head as I've been growing and trying to find my place in the world. I'd like to think that I have things figured out, but I'm sure that I'll look back at these years and realize that I was wrong about everything.
When I was sixteen, I was in a band. By the end of my freshman year of college, all of my peers and I were making music on a laptop. As we’ve been exploring the electronic music realm, I’ve found myself increasingly drawn to the music of my past, on long walks and secret drives listening to old mixtapes filled with Death Cab and Brand New songs. I've been trying to find a way to marry the two styles in some form and bring the songs I've been writing on various pianos and guitars to life.
This album couldn't have been made without everyone in my life, and I want to extend a special thanks to Ailey for singing on †rain†racks//ceme†eries, Since Sixteen, and Hopscotch, and also to Marina for singing on Let It Die. I also want to thank Luc Lacerte for his amazing work mastering the record, Paul Puiia for artwork, Jasper Boyd for engineering the vocals, everyone at Belgian Man Records, and all my friends and family for supporting and putting up with me.

credits

released February 28, 2014

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Fenn Macon Worcester, Massachusetts

In which one boy confronts his sadness through sonic exploration.

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Track Name: †rain†racks//ceme†eries
I still hold my breath while passing train tracks and cemeteries
You could be so much more secure in your relationships

20
Track Name: Gather Up Yr Dmns
Well gather up your demons we've got stories left to tell. A brief insight into your personal hell where we're the non-believers asking "if I ever fell could I trust you to be there to catch me?"
Well take your photographs and get them all underexposed. Hide them somewhere safe, somewhere that no one ever goes. I'll pin up all your letters and I'll iron all the clothes, and nothing will upset me except me.
Take what you wrote down and give it away, put a new pen to page. When you are around you keep your ear to the ground and your sights in the clouds. Goodbyes are too difficult, new lies are irresistible. I'm tied to lines about my health written in the dust on your bookshelf.
It's on nights such as these I think of drives out in the snow. As it beat down on the windshield looking for a place to go, were we searching for a path or were we searching for an answer to the question we never asked, "are we right for each other?"
Well gather up your demons all the stories have been told, and one by one these thoughts get old. When footsteps by my doorway led me into the unknown, I kept on walking looking for a place to call my home.

18
Track Name: Let It Die
I've been wasting all my time telling white lies on dark nights
I've been faced with every time that I tried and simply let it die
Simply let it die
I've been chasing shadows in the ceiling, none of them revealing the secrets they've been keeping
And there's plenty I won't say
But I'd outlast the night just to see you in the morning light
I'd outlast the night if you'd just say we'd be alright
But tomorrow's another day and we lead our lives in different ways
Tomorrow's another day, our paths diverged and we did stray
I've been wasting all my time when I should have simply let it die

19
Track Name: Fleeting Bayview
Can you look me in the eyes and say that you're happy with the way we've been leading our lives? Ten seconds 'til we hit the ground, but no one's going to hear the sound.
With our friends in different towns with new romances, I've been holding out for second chances. I've been unwilling to move on with my life. Once we were an ocean and I was the waves that would crest for days and days, but we will surely crash before we reach the bay.
I have a red gate in my head and the feelings it lets through are guilt and dread. All I see is an expiration date, are we too late?
With our friends all gone to different cities, I've been holding out 'cause you're sticking with me, but now I think it's time to move on with my life. Once we were a forest that would stay ablaze and we kept them on their toes for days, but the embers faded fast and the smoke is all that stays.
And if the sun should go down, and all we see are black clouds, don't turn your faith right around, I'll be there. And if the light is fading, and you are tired of waiting, don't let your heart be breaking I'll be there.
I speak in all capitals, letters with straight lines, staring at shipwrecks on the horizon. I'm screaming out for you now, hoping you might hear me somehow and take me away.

18
Track Name: Art School Parties
Since 16 and restless the scars on my left wrist have faded and now they're barely visible.
At 16 I left this permanent deathwish for a life more in control.
And deep down I know these dark thoughts still exist, they come to the surface and they take all I can give. The art school parties that I've started to frequent fill me with doubts of what my purpose really is.
Would you please just try to wake up on time today? I can't fix you all myself, can you meet me halfway? You know that you weren't born to lose, so please just choose a better life for yourself and for your future health.
And I thought that I was so much older then, but with the youth I've lost I've gained experience. My self destruction manifests in different ways, no longer with surface marks but days I waste away. My worst moments can be quantified on page, from frequent absences to work with failing grades.
I've been finding better ways to clear my head when I start to cave. With set goals and steps I take, I feel better every day.
When you're down, you're not out, think what you're fighting for! We've all been to the edge, we all keep howling on!
Since 16 I've been better, I got over myself, and this is an open letter to the friends who have helped. From the chairs to the streets where we talked it through, I know that I'd be nowhere without any of you.

21
Track Name: Throwback Summer
I swear they'll chew you up and spit you out and leave you with nothing at all. It's not fair but it's a dirty business and you do what you must to survive. I'll be working late tonight.
It's supposed to be a throwback summer, I'm still doing all the same things that I always do. I'm seeing all the same old people but I thought I'd see my friends from my hometown. Well I guess it all depends where you consider home. Is it where you lay your head? Is it where you want to stay or where your mind roams instead?
I swear they'll chew you up and spit you out and leave you with nothing at all. It's not fair but it's a dirty business and you do what you must to survive. I'll be working late tonight.
And I know you're sitting home alone, waiting to hear the 8 bits of your overpriced ringtone, but I don't have it in me tonight. I don't think we can go out without a fight. But I'm packing up my bags and I'm getting in my car, I guess it beats sitting alone and wondering how you are.
I swear they'll chew you up and spit you out and leave you with nothing at all. It's not fair but it's a dirty business and you do what you must to survive. I'll be working late tonight.
And the floor fell out from under my feet and I saw blank stares from all the people that I wanted you to meet. And I can't write a perfect song for the kids to blast and hum along to, but I can try at least for the night.
I wanna live in a world of make believe with paper hearts on every sleeve and swoopy hair for everyone. But I've found that life means so much more when you stop viewing living as a chore, the summer's rough and I've had enough.

16
Track Name: I Need U Now
I need you now
more than ever

19
Track Name: Hopscotch
Come on get lost, get lost with me
Escape responsibility
Come on get lost, get lost with me
It's easy enough, just let it be
Across the mountaintops and trees
You have to see it to believe
A secret place for you and me
No longer lost out at sea

19
Track Name: Distant Lights
You have never seen my best work, but you take comfort that it's there.
You take all of my misgivings, strip them down and lay them bare.
But could you ever write my wrongs in a form and sing along to a verse full of my failure?
Have I failed you?
I know you hate to see me like this, only thinking of my flaws.
I know you hate to see me like this, so I will never give you cause.
But could you ever write my wrongs in a form sing along to a verse full of my failure?
It gets worse here every day, I mark the words that you won't say in the forms of abstracts and one-act plays.
And I keep acting out my part but never giving my full heart to the words and actions that I impart.
And it's the same thing every night, the same old ending I rewrite, different names and faces exed out with blurry lines.
Another lonely night is brought on by the distant light of all these almost friends who say they'll call but in they end they turn to shadows when I need them most they're vacant as the coast on a winter night, I'm staring at the distant lights.
I hope to see you when you get back to me someday...

20
Track Name: My Worst Semester
Wasted days and broken glass form a line across my floor, I'm sleeping through another class. Why don't I care anymore? I'm running out of time, borrowed, wasted, or lost. And you are on my mind, but at what cost? I lost a whole year, I'm not in control here like I am when I'm with you. I wont accept this, I know I'm reckless, but this is crazy. Do warning signs not phase me?
My worst semester was never better than the time I spent with you. I won't forget her, we failed together, as my absence paid its dues. We made it through the winter without a single shiver but our warmth was faked at best. We set fire to the cinders which died out with a whimper as our plans were laid to rest.
They all say this too will pass, it's fleeting and I'll learn. But still in every class I'm finding no reward. I'm not so sure of anything anymore.
My worst semester we worked together but it just wouldn't do. We failed the sever the nicest weather from what we knew was true, the work I didn't do. My worst semester we worked together but I couldn't follow through, and through the weather stormy eyes never faded far from blue.
My worst semester was never better than the time I spent with you.

19
Track Name: Why Dont U Call Me
Why won't you call me?
Why don't you need me?
Why don't you care?
Was I not there?
I'm traveling this road alone, I'm going home. My face carved with stone, unflinching and unknown.
so
WHY WON'T YOU CALL ME?
WHY DON'T YOU NEED ME?
WHY DON'T YOU CARE?
WAS I NOT THERE?

20
Track Name: Worcester
I want to get away from it all, the parking lots and strip malls. I want to feel small, free of traffic and brick walls.
When I came to the city I was in love with the idea. But it didn't fulfill me, rust covered homeless shelter no one helps her.

18
Track Name: Dum Spiro Spero
Late at night I see my friends that made it on the blogs and I hate it, I've only got myself to blame when I'm feeling lonely. My girlfriend disowned me for reasons she never told me, I guess it had something to do with running away...
I found it hard to be open and inviting when you needed me to be
Tongue tied and scarred from a history of deceit
Out chasing stars when all you wanted were some memories
And I'm too far gone now to come back to you when you're all I need
Come back to me, you're all I need.
Today was the first day I woke up terrified of losing you. You're so far away that it feels like you're already gone. It's not the single life that worries me, it's moving on. You have so much of me and I have none of you, at least that's how it feels most days.
And you say that you're worried just about all the time we've lost and you doubt we can move on from this, but we can move on from this. And I know that every day just seems a little bit worse than the one before it, but just ignore it please, please ignore it.
It's getting harder and harder to see you each month, in all the pictures we take it doesn't seem like we touch, and all the problems just keep adding up. We ignore them, but just for the moment...
You and I aren't constantly in the dark, if you want me I wont be far.
While I have breath I have hope
While I have breath I have hope
While I have breath I have hope
When I'm with friends I am home, and I don't feel so alone, when I'm with friends I am home.
While I have breath I have hope
While I have breath I have hope
While I have breath I have hope

16/19/21